The Alien went 1 for 2 today.

As you know, I have written a book on how to be a free thinker and all of the benefits. The premise is that most people are humans and follow along the rules without questioning things and the aliens watching would be scratching their heads in disbelief.  I had two interactions today and one worked out great and the other, well, not so much.

The Good

I was getting my car vacuumed at an unattended car wash and after the time ran out of the machine, I inserted another dollar’s worth of quarters to finish the cleaning.  The machine never started.  I saw a phone number on the vacuum and so I decided to call to make them aware.  The phone number linked to the owner’s cell phone and he apologized for the problems and told me that someone will be over shortly to refund my dollar.  I told him that it was fine, but I was more interested in letting him know about this so it did not happen to others.  He was impressed with my free thinking compassion; he offered me a code to get a free top of the line car wash valued at $14.  Cha-ching

The Bad

After feeling good about my success and the aliens smiling down on me, I went food shopping.  An older woman was checking out and having a conversation with the worker.

Woman: “I need three packs of Marlboro Lights please”

Man: “I thought Henry already got you your smokes”

Woman: “No, he forgot.”

Man: “No worries, I will take care of you.”

I decided to chime in this conversation. “Sir, if you really want to take care of this woman, you would encourage her to stop smoking.”

Man: “Would you mind going to a different check-out line.”

Moral: Not everyone appreciates me or my free thinking thoughts.

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-Penguin-Live-Alien/dp/1480074535/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352028685

SAVE THE DATE! Book reading and signing!

Nish Bey has been invited for a book reading/signing event on Saturday, January 12th at 12:45 PM for his book "Don't Be a Penguin". Guests will have the opportunity to meet the author, participate in the discussion topics and purchase an autographed copy of the 2nd edition. It will occur at:

The Book Shop
694 Broadway
Somerville, MA 02144

Vasa Museum... What's up with that??

Have you ever been to Sweden?  If so, you likely went to their most popular museum, which is the Vasa Museum.  This is an entire museum dedicated to this massive warship that was built in the 1600’s.  It is truly the pride and joy of all of Sweden.  Who cares?  So what?  Why the hell did I buy this stupid book?  Would you please calm down you Dedra, I am getting to my point.

Anyways, I guess I was the only naive one who thought that there must be some amazing history behind this warship which is why they are so obsessed over it.  It must have either sailed around the world or sunk over 100 enemy ships during a war.  Nope and nope.

Instead, the first time it set sail in the water, it went 100 feet and then sunk to the bottom of the ocean for no reason.  I am not making this up.  Google it, if you don’t believe me.  If I was in charge of a country, and something like this happened, I would get rid of every person that had any knowledge of the ship sinking to avoid the truth from ever getting out to my people and the rest of the world.  I certainly would not dedicate an entire museum to show the world how incompetent we are.  Makes no sense.

Moral: Build a museum around an accomplishment, not something you should be ashamed of. 

For the rest of the month of December, I am donating all of the profits from my book to the families of the victims of the Newtown shooting.  This terrible act will not be forgotten.  Please kiss your children and tell them how much you love them.  As a society, we need to all be better and stop these things from happening.

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-Penguin-Live-Alien/dp/1480074535/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352028685

Expired products.  What do you do???

This happened to me today. Very ironic as a similar story is told in my book, Don't Be a Penguin.  Tell me how you would have handled it.

I went to Cumberland Farms today to buy a diet coke and noticed that all available diet coke's had an expiration date of yesterday, Dec. 10th. I was left with the following options:

1. Still buy it as only one day expired - just life life (Penguin)

2. Buy a different type of soda that is not expired - who can really tell the difference (Penguin)

3. Speak with manager to find a non-expired Diet Coke that you can buy - time for an interaction (Alien)

4. Ask to have all of the expired Diet Coke removed due to health violations - if they say no, call police (crazy person)

What do Aliens Think of Christmas Trees?

It is a cold December day when the aliens are hanging out in their spaceship taking notes on all the different ways that the human species are not rational.  This is the conversation that ensues:

"Hey Bob, I thought you told me that trees provide oxygen so that humans can breathe."  

"I did Stan, why do you ask?"  

"Because I see millions of humans around the Earth cutting trees down and putting them into their houses.  Don't they realize that cutting them down will kill the trees?"

"Great point Stan.  Maybe they bring the trees into their house to provide more oxygen into their living space."

"That's possible Bob.  But I also see them decorating the tree, so maybe that is their way of celebrating the species that allows them to breathe."

The aliens bring up some good points that make the tradition of Christmas trees in the house seem rather silly.  Let me tell you about my childhood experiences with Christmas trees to shed some more light on this obscene tradition:

We would always wait until a week before Christmas to get our tree.  That of course meant we were left with the old awkward looking trees that nobody else wanted.

Getting the tree in and out of the house would always result in a gigantic mess of pine needles on the floor and sap on everyone's hands.  Yuck!

Once the tree was up and decorated, it would fall over 1d4+2 times every year.  This would result in many presents getting crushed by the tree and the spilled water making a complete mess.  To prevent it from falling over in the future, we began putting screws in the walls to wrap string around the tree.  That sounds great in theory, until the cat tries to climb the tree, which causes the tree to fall over and the sheetrock to come with it as well.  Good times.

The icing on the cake however happened one year when we were playing a competitive game of charades on Christmas day.  My grandmother was getting really animated giving us the clues when she bumped into the tree causing it to lean away from her, then tilt towards her and fall over knocking her to the ground and landing on top of her.  If you think I am making this up to make my point, unfortunately, I am not.

Moral: Stop all traditions that involve hurting the environment, making a mess in your house, destroying your gifts, or inuring grandparents.

Purchase the entire book here: http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-Penguin-Live-Alien/dp/1480074535/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352028685

Pam / Lifesavers

How many servings do you think are in a 12 oz. can of Pam?  12?  24? 48?  No.  No.  No.  How about 1,115?  Correct.  Nice guess.  That means that you can use the can every day for 3 years and not run out?  No f-ing way.  I have kept track, and we use a can in between 30 - 45 uses.  So why do they do it?  Because by having such a small serving size, they can claim there are no calories or fat.  Whereas if it was based on ¼ oz. or 48 servings for the can, they would have to disclose the calorie and fat content.

To prove my point even further, I went onto Youtube.com and watched every PAM commercial ever produced.  The commercials from the 1970’s had the actors actually spray the product into the frying pans.  During the commercial, they would spray for 2-4 seconds.  Well, guess what?  That is the equivalent of 20 to 40 servings.  PAM must be aware of that fact, so for the past 30 years, they never spray the product in their commercials.  

While on vacation with my family in Myrtle Beach last year, I spent an entire day on the phone with PAM and the FDA regarding this clear Dedra activity.  I pretty much got nowhere, but it was more fun than getting sand in my shoes.

On the reverse, guess what the serving size is for the large lifesavers that come individually wrapped?  One?  Nope.  If I told you it was either a ½ mint or 4 mints, what would you say?  I have asked that question to 10 strangers and all 10 of them guessed a ½ mint.  The answer?  4 Mints.  I have placed 3 calls in to the Wrigley company to try to understand their motive and I have not received a return phone call.

Moral: Everywhere you go in life, analyze the situation to see if it really makes sense.  Very few things are really logical.

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-Penguin-Live-Alien/dp/1480074535/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352028685